Mom.

"I'm a grenade.  One day I'll explode, ablitherating everything in my wake"-The Fault in Our Stars

I wonder if that's how she feels.  I wonder if she feels cheated.  Like she drew the short straw.  It's not supposed to happen like this.  It isn't fair to her.  My mom.  I remember sitting with my mom at chemo one day and seeing a cute mother-daughter duo out on the patio.  Like us they had on cute outfits and wore lipstick, similiar ages, and like us they were laughing and making the best out of an afternoon of chemotherapy.  There was just one hudgely suttle difference...  The IV stand was on the other side, dangling from the arm of the mother.  I whispered just then "It's on the wrong side".  I don't think I even intended for it to come out loud, but it was the first time that it dawned on me.  The gravity of what my mom must be going through.  I was far too caught up in the caos of my own mind to even begin to empithise what this must feel like for her.  Her baby had cancer.  Through tear soaked eyes she squeezed my arm and said it back to me "Kara, it's on the wrong side."

I honestly think it's worse.  To be the mom.  I think about my babies and I can't even fathom one of them being that sick.  What I wouldn't do to take it away from them.  I know she feel helpless, I know she is scared, and I hope that knows how glad I am that it drips from my arm instead of hers.  From the begining she has had this ability to just let me be.  Whever channel I'm on in that moment is exactly what she tunes to, the level of selflessness that must have taken is unbeleivable.  She has put off her job, her friends, her finances, her other children, and her entire life in an instant and wouldnt dare let me appologize for it.  She hasn't left my side, even when my anger often got the best of me.  She is my greatest confindant and my biggest chearleader.  I know that no matter what, I have one person in my corner who wont leave me.  I have my mom.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I know I haven't said it enough, Thank you!  For refusing to ever say that I had cancer.  For keeping joy in my house when I was so sick.  For bringing laughter.  For loving my husband and being a mom to him, too.  Thank you for letting me navagte through this my way, on my terms.  For adjusting accordingly even when it surely wasn't easy.  For the sleepless nights and the early mornings.  For shaving your head.  For the 3am emergancy visits and the countless loads of laundry.  For the entire year of round the clock childcare.  We seriously couldn't have done it without you.  Thank you and I love you.  See you Sunday!