Ta-Ta, Ta-Ta's

Silence.  Utter and complete silence.  I had given myself until after Thanksgiving to get there.  For weeks I have been trying to drown out all of the outside noise.  Clearing my mind of all the clutter that I usually cycle on.  For now, a bilateral mastectomy is about all that I can handle, nothing else gets my attention.  Not now.  When I wake up from surgery on Tuesday, all of those things will still be there for me to figure out.  Right now, I get/need/have to wrap my head around losing my breasts.  I don't know how I am going to get there, how I could ever possibly be okay with this.  But, I cannot walk into that hospital on Tuesday unless I am.  Can I visualize myself without breasts?  Will I feel sexy?  How will my clothes fit?  Will my stomach look so much fatter without them?  Will I be in pain?  Will I wake up from surgery?  Will I get an infection?  Will I be able to pick up my daughter?  Will I develop lymphedemea?  Is this ever going to end?  Nothing matters more then getting myself through this.

The farthest I have gotten is to clear out all my bras.  It's a little weird, I have no idea what to do with them.  I will never need them again yet I am unable to part with them.  It's like the useless baggies filled with my hair, I'll be dammed if I give away things that I feel so entitled to.  My bra drawer is now filled with surgical garments, bras that come with drain holders, puffs to add some boobage, and tank tops that look awfully close to Jesus jammies.  I will wear these until next summer when I begin reconstruction.  So, what does a girl do?  Have a bra funeral?  Donate them to goodwill?  Burn them?  Give them to a girlfriend?  I don't know, but I trust myself enough to know that I will know exactly where they belong when I am ready.

Now for a a little good news.  I have had about 7 appointments a week lately, most of last weeks were all related to my impending surgery.  One of them included an ultrasound of my left breast and lymph nodes.  Before treatment, I had 2 tumors, one the size of a golf ball in my left breast and another smaller one in my left armpit lymph node.  They grade tumors by the severity and aggressiveness of them and mine were the highest and worst grade possible.  My cells were dividing rapidly and the tumor's were growing measurably everyday.  Needless to say, I was nervous about how my tumors were doing.  Did the chemo do anything?  Was it worth it?  I am happy to report the answer is overwhelmingly YES.  They called two doctors in to confirm that my tumors were gone.  GONE.  It worked.  I responded to treatment as well as I could have.  Now, this doesn't change anything.  I still have stage 3 cancer, I still have to have both my breast chopped off, and I still have to finish chemo.  What it does mean is that I am heading the direction I should be, I am going to be okay.  Besides, there is no other option, right?

Next time you hear from me, I'll be boobless.  So I am paying tribute to my breasts.  Whom for the past 17 years I have lovingly referred to as Mary-Kate and Ashley.  Thank you girls, for feeding my babies, giving me confidence, coming in before all my other friends, and making me a very popular 8th grader.  It was a good run and we've had a lots of fun.

P.S I am going to have my mom post to my blog on Wednesday.  I will still be in the hospital (and hopefully high as a kite) so I have asked her update you all on how fabulously well I am doing.