Time

You, dear friends, are incredible.  Your character shined through in such beautiful acts of friendship.  I was moved beyond measure.  The KaraStrong signs, the casseroles, the prayers, the flowers, the cards, gifts, the texts, the calls, all of it.... Thank you. You made me Strong.

I still cry every time I see them.

I'm home and trying to adjust to my new body.  My physical wounds are healing but my heart is taking a little longer.  It's weird, this body doesn't feel like mine.  The scars are gruesome.  I have something called "dog ears" which is extra skin and tissue preserved for reconstruction.  It is basically like piles of skin and tissue pushed and sewed into my armpits.  Not cute.  The skin where my armpit hair used to grow is now part of my chest....so I have armpit hair growing out of my chest.  Just lovely.  I have drains that dangle out of my incisions and carrying them around makes me look like I am smuggling something under my clothes.  My range of motion is poor, I can't lift my arms and I am unable to pick up anything weighing more then a few pounds.  Most of the pain has been manageable but I have exposed nerves that fire erratically and the pain is enough at times to bring me to my knees.  I've literally been carved like a turkey.  But, and this is a big BUT...I am alive.  My breasts are gone but so is all of the visible cancer.  I have quite a bit of chemo left, 6-10 weeks of daily radiation, and a few reconstruction surgeries ahead of me but for the first time ever, I can see an end in sight.  If I look very closely I can see it, my life is waiting for me just around the corner.

I was tempted today to show it all.  Just put it out there.  Here are my scars.  This is me.  Not yet, I'm not ready and I have given enough of myself away this week.  I am digging deep here, inwardly, to find out how I feel about all of this.  I have been so busy assuring everyone that I am okay that I forgot to stop and ask myself if I am.  I am overwhelmed emotionally, it's been endless.  Cancer is all I do, I can count on one hand the times that I have been able to leave cancer at the door and have some fun.  5 precious times this whole year.  Everything else is cancer.  I need time to get to know my new body.  To grieve what I thought being 29 would look like.  I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm pissed off, and I am still not able to really look at myself.  It's difficult even talking to people because I don't know what to say, I can spew medical/surgical lingo all day but beyond that I have nothing to say.  Because I don't know yet.  Some much needed hibernation is in order, I need to process.  Somewhere in me is the confidence to hold my head up.  Some place deep lays the courage to flash the whole world.