Ringing Out.

I panicked.  I mean I really panicked.  We're talking ripping off all my restraints, jumping off the table, and running down the hallways with my butt cheeks hanging out.  Yeah, that bad.

Let me paint you a picture:  I am laying in a mold that is fitted for the exact position I am to lie perfectly still in for 40 minutes.  I am strapped to the table and told that if I move even one hair I could risk radiating my heart and/or lungs.  All I have to do is lay there and hold my breath.  I am told that I wont feel, hear, smell, or taste anything.  Completely alone.  Nobody can hold my hand, even the technicians are behind a protective wall.  I am feeling strong, ready, and completely terrified.  As the first blast of radiation goes into my body, my heart instantly palpitates.  My chest is on fire, I swear I can smell flesh burning.  I yell for help and the voice over the intercom quickly tells me to lay still.  I am screaming "STOP!"  "I FEEL IT!" and the voice again reminds me to lay still.  Another blast of radiation shoots into my chest and I am vibrating with fear.  I have no idea if they are going to blast me again but I am too afraid to find out.  I rip off all my restrains and fly off the table.  I'm sobbing, I can feel the crazy rising up in my belly.  I can't do it.  I won't.  I'm done.

I dart out of the treatment room, refusing to deliberate.  I know what I felt, I know my body, and I know that I have gone way too far into crazy town to be rational.  I couldn't get out of that place fast enough.  I had people literally chasing me, begging me to at least talk to the doctor.  I just left.

The next two days I went into a deep dark place.  I had to remove myself from my children because frankly, I was unfit to care for them.  I needed to scream at the top of my lungs, I needed to get mad, and I needed to cry hard.  I didn't need to reason, I needed to cleanse.  I contemplated not doing radiation at all.  I daydreamed about just throwing in the towel and going back to my old life.  Ultimately, it always comes down to one thing.  Life.  I want to live.  

After talking to my doctor and learning that although rare, it is absolutely normal to feel something, smell something, or even taste something, I felt better.  But, mostly it was the copious amounts of Xanax that finally got me through my first treatment.  I now have 3 full treatments under my belt, with 22 more to go.  And at the end, I hope to ring the bell that only the bravest of people get to ring.