Ta-Ta, Ta-Ta's

Silence.  Utter and complete silence.  I had given myself until after Thanksgiving to get there.  For weeks I have been trying to drown out all of the outside noise.  Clearing my mind of all the clutter that I usually cycle on.  For now, a bilateral mastectomy is about all that I can handle, nothing else gets my attention.  Not now.  When I wake up from surgery on Tuesday, all of those things will still be there for me to figure out.  Right now, I get/need/have to wrap my head around losing my breasts.  I don't know how I am going to get there, how I could ever possibly be okay with this.  But, I cannot walk into that hospital on Tuesday unless I am.  Can I visualize myself without breasts?  Will I feel sexy?  How will my clothes fit?  Will my stomach look so much fatter without them?  Will I be in pain?  Will I wake up from surgery?  Will I get an infection?  Will I be able to pick up my daughter?  Will I develop lymphedemea?  Is this ever going to end?  Nothing matters more then getting myself through this.

The farthest I have gotten is to clear out all my bras.  It's a little weird, I have no idea what to do with them.  I will never need them again yet I am unable to part with them.  It's like the useless baggies filled with my hair, I'll be dammed if I give away things that I feel so entitled to.  My bra drawer is now filled with surgical garments, bras that come with drain holders, puffs to add some boobage, and tank tops that look awfully close to Jesus jammies.  I will wear these until next summer when I begin reconstruction.  So, what does a girl do?  Have a bra funeral?  Donate them to goodwill?  Burn them?  Give them to a girlfriend?  I don't know, but I trust myself enough to know that I will know exactly where they belong when I am ready.

Now for a a little good news.  I have had about 7 appointments a week lately, most of last weeks were all related to my impending surgery.  One of them included an ultrasound of my left breast and lymph nodes.  Before treatment, I had 2 tumors, one the size of a golf ball in my left breast and another smaller one in my left armpit lymph node.  They grade tumors by the severity and aggressiveness of them and mine were the highest and worst grade possible.  My cells were dividing rapidly and the tumor's were growing measurably everyday.  Needless to say, I was nervous about how my tumors were doing.  Did the chemo do anything?  Was it worth it?  I am happy to report the answer is overwhelmingly YES.  They called two doctors in to confirm that my tumors were gone.  GONE.  It worked.  I responded to treatment as well as I could have.  Now, this doesn't change anything.  I still have stage 3 cancer, I still have to have both my breast chopped off, and I still have to finish chemo.  What it does mean is that I am heading the direction I should be, I am going to be okay.  Besides, there is no other option, right?

Next time you hear from me, I'll be boobless.  So I am paying tribute to my breasts.  Whom for the past 17 years I have lovingly referred to as Mary-Kate and Ashley.  Thank you girls, for feeding my babies, giving me confidence, coming in before all my other friends, and making me a very popular 8th grader.  It was a good run and we've had a lots of fun.

P.S I am going to have my mom post to my blog on Wednesday.  I will still be in the hospital (and hopefully high as a kite) so I have asked her update you all on how fabulously well I am doing. 

10 little wishes

In next weeks blog, I plan on paying tribute to my breasts.  I have less then 2 weeks left with them.  Part of me secretly hopes if I just ignore it, it'll go away.  So if it's all right with you, for one more sweet sweet week, I am going to pretend my breasts are staying.  I am seriously scared, mostly of not waking up.  As silly as that may be, it's real.  Today's post is probably going to bore the pants off of you, but it's whats real and on my heart so bare with me.  Next week will be filled with boob shots and crazy irrational rants...scouts honor!

A few years ago, I bought both of my kids the collectors addition of the book "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss.  I write in both of their books often.  So far, just a few grandmas, papas, and teachers have written in it, but I hope by the time I give it to them that it will be chalk full of words of wisdom from people they loved along the way.  I have no clue when I will give it to them; High School Graduation, College Graduation, Wedding day, Birth of their first child.  I trust that I will just know.  Today, motivated by the fear of my impending surgery, I wrote these 10 wishes and stuck it into each of their books.

To Ayden & Zoie, Fox & Jax, Munchkin Man & Chicken Butt

1.  Always remember how lucky you are to be born who you are.  There is only one of you that will ever exist in all of time.  Being anything other then completely authentic to yourself is robbing the world from having something completely unique.  It's always harder to be different, to stand up for whats right, to not blend it, and to follow your heart.  But if you listen to your gut, it won't ever let you down.  You shouldn't ever have to perform, not for anyone, so don't.  You are exactly who you're supposed to be.

2.  Pick people in life who look through you, not at you.  Beauty will fade, sometimes faster then you expect.  The right people won't even bat an eye.  You, my sweet babies are equip to love this way.  I know this because of the way you love me.  When it comes to people- quality always trumps quantity.  Choose friends wisely and surround yourself with those that lift you up.

 3.  Love hard.  To the tips of your toes. Be there for each other, siblings are one of the greatest gifts life has to offer.    You are part of an amazing, crazy, quirky, and unique family that loved you before you even existed.  Be grateful for them.  They love you for exactly who you are.

 4.  Be joyful.   No matter what it takes, I insist that you be happy.  It's a choice and although a difficult one at times, it is always the right choice.  When people are angry it is always because they are hurting.  Understanding this will save you lots of frustration and heartache. Get silly, laugh until it hurts.  Be contagous.  There is joy in everything, you just have to find it.

  5.  Tell the truth.  Value honesty.  The very thought you are having this moment is manifesting in your life right now.  Your thoughts become words,  your words become actions, and your actions create the world around you.  Picking honest thoughts, words, and actions will create such a beautiful world.  The rewards of honesty are always going to be more satisfying.

 6.  Screw up.  Screw up royally, because there is no better way to grow.  Some of our biggest accomplishments follow our major mistakes.   

7.  Sleep on it.  I wish I had learned much earlier the importance of responding, not reacting.  Nothing done in anger is ever productive.  It isn't time that heals wounds, but rather what you do during that time.  Don't be afraid to say what you think and believe, scream it from the roof tops.  Just don't do it in anger.

8.  Be kind.  Be kind when it's easy but more importantly, be kind when it isn't easy.  If you care about somebody, validate them. We are all made of the same stardust, believing this makes it so easy to love others just as you love yourself.

9.  Give.  Give big, give small.  Give when you can and give when you can't.  Hide dollar bills at the dollar store, fill candy machines with quarters, pay for the person behind you at Starbucks, and always keep one $5 target gift card on you just in case.  There is nothing you could buy for yourself that will bring you more joy then a tiny random act of kindness.  No matter how caught up you get with life, remember how happy doing these things made you.  Breed positivity, everyday.

10.  Be unrealistic.  Dream huge.  Believe what speaks true to you.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not following along.  Be a forward thinker, explore the world, explore your options, live out of the box.  There is no wrong answer here.  Only ideas.  People will always be passionate about their beliefs.  Respect theirs but be just as passionate about yours.  Educate yourself, study, be open, flexible, but stand your ground.  You have just as good a shot at anything as anyone else, better in fact.  Because you are you.  A completely perfect, original, masterpiece.  Kid you'll move mountains.

Cleaning Up.

My Space- A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I received a call from a woman named Tausha with Admire Cleaning Service.  She heard of me through a mutual friend and has been following my blog.  She told me that her and her crew wanted to come and clean my house.  I was totally floored.  She didn't want anything from me, just to help me.  On Monday, this group of people came in on their own time and didn't just tidy up, they spent 8 hours deep cleaning the whole house until it literally sparkled.  She then offered to continue to clean my house and also recruited a company to do my carpets.  This grand act of love came from complete strangers.  Kinda cool, huh?  Thank you Tausha and crew for all that you have done, you made more than just my house sparkle.

*If anyone needs a residential or commercial cleaning service, Admire Cleaning Service is unlike any other.  I have never had anyone clean so thoroughly.  I cannot say enough good things about them as people and as a company.  Hire them before or after holidays or even give a cleaning as a gift!  480-290-2627  

My Body- You know how when you're sick you'll eat whatever sounds good?  Well, I've been sick for 6 months.  Milkshakes, pretzels, cheese-its....you get the idea.  Since, the weekly chemo I am on now isn't making me nauseous. (Hallelujah!)  It's time to alkaline and get my body as clean as possible.  I've gutted my pantry and fridge, gotten familiar with my local farmers market, and I'm already feeling fantastic.  I am cooking whole, raw, vegan, and organic.  I am literally high on food right now.  It feels so good to be able to eat!  If it doesn't feed my body, it doesn't go in.  End of story.

My Relationships- I am a feelings hoarder.  I have had problems with many of my relationships that I've been too afraid to voice.  Like most people, I'm terrified of rejection and I don't like to upset anyone.  When something bothers me I usually nurse, curse, and rehearse it to death, an emotional hamster wheel that never gets me anywhere.  Rarely do I say anything.  Instead, I hold on to it. There are things festering from decades ago that I am still cycling on!  That can't be normal.  A hoarder can't simply keep their house clean.  They have to first pick up all the junk.  So, that is what I am doing.  Purging all my emotional baggage.  I’m dealing with all the things that live inside and haunt me.  I don't want them anymore, they are making me sick.  I'm cleaning the slate and learning to deal with things head on.  You know, like an adult.

My Thoughts- I believe we create our universe.  I believe that our thoughts actually shape our lives.  Over the past few months I have begun to change the way I think.  I am working to shape every negative thought into something positive.  It's become my religion, I practice it.  Keeping my channels clean.  It's not easy, I'm losing my breasts next month, I am worried that I am going to lose my house, and I am beginning to wonder if my hair styling career is over.  Is my husband going to find me attractive without boobs?  More importantly, am I going to be able to feel beautiful without them?  Those things aren't easy to put positive spins on, but I am trying to.  I have to.  I'll have 6 flat months.  No boobs and no prosthetic allowed for 6 full months.  I'll be flat as a board, bald, and puffy.  Somehow, some way, I am going to find the beauty in it.

Goodbye Monster.

People keep telling me about this documentary called “Crazy, Sexy, Cancer”.  I’ve searched Netflix, Blockbuster, and Redbox and haven’t been able to find it.  Finally, I borrowed it from the internet and Iate last night I was able to sit down with my mom and watch it.  Wow, just wow.  I have never related with anything or anyone so much in my whole existence.  Kris Carr, is a young, brave, beautiful, 20 something-bad ass, with a rare and terminal kind of cancer. The film follows her as she eloquently navigates through an all too familiar and real process of coping with her devastating diagnosis.  I totally dig her and in my fantasy Cancerland we are already BFF’s.

My soul's been needing a fresh outlook and little extra swagger.  Lately, I've had a particularly difficult time when it comes to waiting for test results.  Last night, I tossed and turned relentlessly knowing that in the morning I could potentially receive devastating news. Today, is the day I hear the results of the genetic test that I fought so hard for.  Today I might find out why I have cancer.  I had a full panel test done, the rage of possible ailments that could be strung along my DNA are sobering, at best.  Ideally, the results will be negative.  In a perfect world, my results would score negative across the board.  Meaning my cancer was likely a freak mutation and unlikely to ever reoccur again.  Negative results would significantly reduce my chance of ever having cancer again.  Lightning never strikes twice, right?

Today, at 10:45am, with fingers and toes crossed, my results were read.  Negative.  Negative, all the way across the board.  I have no syndromes or markers in my DNA that caused or will cause my cancer.  My DNA is gorgeous, radiant, and healthy.  As soon as those words escaped her lips, my shoulders dropped. Then, for the first time in six months, I felt myself exhale.  I’m not broken!  There is nothing wrong with me!  And the best part is, I haven’t passed anything dangerous on to my children.  I have often used the analogy of “The Monster”.  Right now the Monster has its grip on me; his hands are wrapped tightly around my neck.  If I am able to shake the Monster off, even if I escape his grasp this time, he will always be chasing me.  I'll forever wonder when the Monster will catch me.  It's an awful way to feel, to live in fear of your own body.  In constant waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Not anymore.  I don’t have to and I'm not going to.  Today, I stared that Monster straight in the face and told him to go fuck himself.  I am whole and he can’t have me.