Blonder, Braver, Bolder. (Warning:There are a few kinda yucky pics. Enter at your own risk!)

Now that was a rough week.  The pain has been indescribable and instead of getting better it was getting progressively worse.  I have what may be permanent damage to the nerves in my left hand, the most valuable tool that I use as a stylist.  The hand that allows me to do the only thing I am good at.  The job that I love so wholeheartedly.  My soul went somewhere dark last week.  It was ugly.  I didn't get off the couch, I was paralyzed with depression and fear.  The pendulum swung from rage and anguish to pity and self loathing at alarming rates.  I couldn't go 10 minutes without weeping.  I mean like the gut wrenching, primal screaming, kind of crying.  I couldn't even figure it out, I just knew I didn't want to do this anymore, I was done.

These are the dreaded drains/hand grenades.

According to my doctor this is normal irritation.  Every move hurts.

Adam would come home from work and curled up in a ball on the couch was the shell of his wife.  I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth, I had puffy glazed over eyes.  I was covered in the blood that was leaking from my drains and couldn't muster the strength to clean myself up.  It only took one look around my house to see the chaos that was obviously going on inside me.  Had a professional seen me I probably would have been placed on an involuntary 72 hour 5150 psychiatric hold.  I didn't want or need to see anyone.  I just needed to get it all out, cleanse myself of the shame.  After 3 long days, it ended.  I woke up one morning, put on my big girl panties and decided that I was going to flip this coin over.  I believe that every situation, no matter how dire, has a flip side and that we hold the power to choose which side to live on.  I could decide to live in my misery or I could choose to see myself as a bad ass.  So, I made a date with my mirror.  Just me and me, one on one.  I stripped down to my birthday suit and gave myself permission to really look.  I stood there for what seemed like eternity, but I wasn't going to look away until I was able to see my scars as beautiful, drains and all.  Up until this point, I hadn't even touched what is left of my chest, I couldn't.  I stood there, running my hands over every inch of my chest, tracing my fingers along the lines of my scars, letting my tears cascade down my cheeks and crash onto my wounds.  Introducing myself to me.  After a long while I began to soften.  Instead of seeing a demolished mess of my mangled torso, I saw something else.  I saw a stronger, braver, more enlightened, beautiful woman.  Suddenly those words - "survivor", "fighter", "warrior", words that had annoyed me so much in the beginning, began to resonate.  I began to like what I saw staring back at me.  In fact, I like this girl more.

For now I am good, I have been through this enough to know that there may be more waves of grief.  I have climbed to the top of some of the highest mountains, it's been nothing but uphill for almost a year.  It's time to free fall for a while.  Have some fun, we've earned it!  I decided what better way to kick off my new found beauty then to color what little hair I have coming in platinum blonde.  The best part about my new look is that I don't look sick.  I think I even got checked out today, by a woman...but hey I'll take it!

  
I would like to make something perfectly clear, I did not and could not have ever gotten the courage to come to such a calming place without the support of the people surrounding me both near, far, and even anonymously.  You have given me the opportunity to heal.  To those of you who have carried me on your shoulders, removed so much of my burden, and gone out of your way to help me smile I am eternally grateful.  You know exactly who you are and so do I.  Thank you for saving my life.  

PS.  You may have noticed recently that I have some Ads to my Blog.  I actually get paid a few cents each time you click on one these Ads.  So click away friends!  It "Ads" up!  Who knows maybe I have professional blogging career on the horizon?!?!  Thanks for reading.