Oz

Right now I am Dorthy waking up in Oz, it's bright and beautiful.  A little scarey.  Adventurous, new, and oh so surreal... The lessons taught to me by the people in this video far surpass those of the Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion.  The people placed into my path are showing me what being human is supposed to feel like.  I am blanketed in selflessness and grace. I want to stay here in this magical and colorful world forever.  I know that shortly, I have to click my heals and go back to Kansas but not yet.  Right now I am simmering in the most magical Christmas ever given to me.

All along I have needed a goal, something to keep my eye on, something to symbolize that I was going to be okay.  That this too shall pass.  During the first few most terrifying weeks of waiting, when I wasn't sure of anything.  When my doctor told me she couldn't promise me I would live to see Zoie go to Kindergarten.  I had to crack through all that darkness and find a speck of light, no matter how microscopic it was.  I had to set my sights on something.  Disneyland.  It has always been Disneyland.  Not only would Disneyland be a great way to celebrate my recovery, but Disneyland is where 29 year old mothers of 2 should be.  They certainly shouldn't be at MD Anderson Cancer Center!  They should be with their babies at Disneyland! Besides, I am not the only one who needs a break from cancer, my husband and kids lived with cancer everyday too. From then on, every time things got hard, every time I wrenched over the toilet, every time a strand of hair swayed its way slowly to the floor.  I whispered just one thing softly to myself.  "Disneyland."  Visualizing my family at Disneyland, the four of us healthy and happy gave me the amount of motivation I needed to make it through anything.  There were so many times when Adam was able to stop my tears by just saying one word.  "Disneyland".  We had no money to get there, it was totally out of reach financially.  We were struggling to pay our bills, trying to pay down medical bills, knowing that things like braces were much more responsible ways to be using our money.  But I needed it, we needed it.  Even if it was only a fantasy.

On Christmas Eve, my door bell rang and a flood of people came pouring into my living room.  Some of them I have known for more then a decade, some of them are my newest and dearest friends, and some I just met for the first time.  All of them had a common goal. They devoted months of their life to make my secret fantasy come true.  Here is a short video of my Christmas miracle.

As if all of this wasn't enough,over the past few weeks there have been floods of boxes dropped off by my salon girls and their families, friends and family, my clients, my friends clients, and complete and total strangers. This month has been flilled with generousity that I am still struggling to comprehend. I keep pinching myself.  Is all of this real?  This all just to dreamy.  I wish for a moment I could put my heart inside of yours so you could feel how full you made it.  It was the the best Christmas of my life.  I will never forget it.  Every person who sustained and supported us this holiday, from the deepest place in my heart, I thank you.  We're going to Disneyland!!!



Just for fun, here are a few pictures of just how amazing our holiday was!

You sweet girl, are so crazy cool.  I LOVE it.

These people gave us the gift of celebration.  And worked their asses of to do it!

Thanks Susan, I'm stealing it from Zoie!

Best doll house ever, Papa rocks.

Christina and her Family spoiled my kids beyond belief and made me smile from ear to ear with all these goodies!

Tyler played while Liz brought all her presents from the most amazing families in Camp Verde. 

Zoie in her life size dollhouse, she hasn't gotten out yet!

Lots of goodes from lots of friends and families

The Ford Family.

Christina and Family spoiled us beyond belief.

I wish I was able to express more how much light you brought into our house that day.  It shifted everything.  You all helped us give that boulder the heave-ho it needed to start rolling downhill. It was fun to free fall for a couple days.  I'm not clicking my heals just yet.

P.s.  I am now officially www.thehairlesshairstylist.com!  You can also find me at www.thehairlesshairstylist.blogspot.com.  They will both work.  I feel like a real blogger now!

Blonder, Braver, Bolder. (Warning:There are a few kinda yucky pics. Enter at your own risk!)

Now that was a rough week.  The pain has been indescribable and instead of getting better it was getting progressively worse.  I have what may be permanent damage to the nerves in my left hand, the most valuable tool that I use as a stylist.  The hand that allows me to do the only thing I am good at.  The job that I love so wholeheartedly.  My soul went somewhere dark last week.  It was ugly.  I didn't get off the couch, I was paralyzed with depression and fear.  The pendulum swung from rage and anguish to pity and self loathing at alarming rates.  I couldn't go 10 minutes without weeping.  I mean like the gut wrenching, primal screaming, kind of crying.  I couldn't even figure it out, I just knew I didn't want to do this anymore, I was done.

These are the dreaded drains/hand grenades.

According to my doctor this is normal irritation.  Every move hurts.

Adam would come home from work and curled up in a ball on the couch was the shell of his wife.  I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth, I had puffy glazed over eyes.  I was covered in the blood that was leaking from my drains and couldn't muster the strength to clean myself up.  It only took one look around my house to see the chaos that was obviously going on inside me.  Had a professional seen me I probably would have been placed on an involuntary 72 hour 5150 psychiatric hold.  I didn't want or need to see anyone.  I just needed to get it all out, cleanse myself of the shame.  After 3 long days, it ended.  I woke up one morning, put on my big girl panties and decided that I was going to flip this coin over.  I believe that every situation, no matter how dire, has a flip side and that we hold the power to choose which side to live on.  I could decide to live in my misery or I could choose to see myself as a bad ass.  So, I made a date with my mirror.  Just me and me, one on one.  I stripped down to my birthday suit and gave myself permission to really look.  I stood there for what seemed like eternity, but I wasn't going to look away until I was able to see my scars as beautiful, drains and all.  Up until this point, I hadn't even touched what is left of my chest, I couldn't.  I stood there, running my hands over every inch of my chest, tracing my fingers along the lines of my scars, letting my tears cascade down my cheeks and crash onto my wounds.  Introducing myself to me.  After a long while I began to soften.  Instead of seeing a demolished mess of my mangled torso, I saw something else.  I saw a stronger, braver, more enlightened, beautiful woman.  Suddenly those words - "survivor", "fighter", "warrior", words that had annoyed me so much in the beginning, began to resonate.  I began to like what I saw staring back at me.  In fact, I like this girl more.

For now I am good, I have been through this enough to know that there may be more waves of grief.  I have climbed to the top of some of the highest mountains, it's been nothing but uphill for almost a year.  It's time to free fall for a while.  Have some fun, we've earned it!  I decided what better way to kick off my new found beauty then to color what little hair I have coming in platinum blonde.  The best part about my new look is that I don't look sick.  I think I even got checked out today, by a woman...but hey I'll take it!

  
I would like to make something perfectly clear, I did not and could not have ever gotten the courage to come to such a calming place without the support of the people surrounding me both near, far, and even anonymously.  You have given me the opportunity to heal.  To those of you who have carried me on your shoulders, removed so much of my burden, and gone out of your way to help me smile I am eternally grateful.  You know exactly who you are and so do I.  Thank you for saving my life.  

PS.  You may have noticed recently that I have some Ads to my Blog.  I actually get paid a few cents each time you click on one these Ads.  So click away friends!  It "Ads" up!  Who knows maybe I have professional blogging career on the horizon?!?!  Thanks for reading.

Time

You, dear friends, are incredible.  Your character shined through in such beautiful acts of friendship.  I was moved beyond measure.  The KaraStrong signs, the casseroles, the prayers, the flowers, the cards, gifts, the texts, the calls, all of it.... Thank you. You made me Strong.

I still cry every time I see them.

I'm home and trying to adjust to my new body.  My physical wounds are healing but my heart is taking a little longer.  It's weird, this body doesn't feel like mine.  The scars are gruesome.  I have something called "dog ears" which is extra skin and tissue preserved for reconstruction.  It is basically like piles of skin and tissue pushed and sewed into my armpits.  Not cute.  The skin where my armpit hair used to grow is now part of my chest....so I have armpit hair growing out of my chest.  Just lovely.  I have drains that dangle out of my incisions and carrying them around makes me look like I am smuggling something under my clothes.  My range of motion is poor, I can't lift my arms and I am unable to pick up anything weighing more then a few pounds.  Most of the pain has been manageable but I have exposed nerves that fire erratically and the pain is enough at times to bring me to my knees.  I've literally been carved like a turkey.  But, and this is a big BUT...I am alive.  My breasts are gone but so is all of the visible cancer.  I have quite a bit of chemo left, 6-10 weeks of daily radiation, and a few reconstruction surgeries ahead of me but for the first time ever, I can see an end in sight.  If I look very closely I can see it, my life is waiting for me just around the corner.

I was tempted today to show it all.  Just put it out there.  Here are my scars.  This is me.  Not yet, I'm not ready and I have given enough of myself away this week.  I am digging deep here, inwardly, to find out how I feel about all of this.  I have been so busy assuring everyone that I am okay that I forgot to stop and ask myself if I am.  I am overwhelmed emotionally, it's been endless.  Cancer is all I do, I can count on one hand the times that I have been able to leave cancer at the door and have some fun.  5 precious times this whole year.  Everything else is cancer.  I need time to get to know my new body.  To grieve what I thought being 29 would look like.  I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm pissed off, and I am still not able to really look at myself.  It's difficult even talking to people because I don't know what to say, I can spew medical/surgical lingo all day but beyond that I have nothing to say.  Because I don't know yet.  Some much needed hibernation is in order, I need to process.  Somewhere in me is the confidence to hold my head up.  Some place deep lays the courage to flash the whole world.

KARA STRONG -By Deb Allenbaugh

First things first…

Kara is home, her bilateral mastectomy surgery behind her.  

 Thank you Adam!  You are amazing!

As Kara’s mom, I have shared and carried her diagnosis up close and personal, every step of the way.  I was there ‘that’ day, the weeks and months that followed ‘that’ day, doctors appointments, tests, scans, waiting, more tests, HER2 positive test results, chemo, port, pain, side effects, emergency rooms, genetic testing, sleepless nights, running out of tears and no more tumors.  We have known about yesterday's surgery since our first oncology appointment.  At a time when we were praying desperately to hear “only stage 3”, boobs seemed so insignificant.  To me, they still do in many ways.  You can take her boobs but you cannot take her!  In order for Kara to wrap her head around her treatment plan, she chose to tackle only the piece directly in front of her.  The marathon (year-long) run for her life, only doable if it is run one step at a time. 

 This picture a lifeline.  The girl she knows and still feels on the inside.

 

Yesterday, and the courage it took at age 29, to get up, get dressed, pack, leave notes regarding school assignments, greeting cards (just in case), say good bye to her babies, walk out the front door, get in the car, get out of the car and walk in the hospital was a tipping point.  She had endured and finally begun to accept the loss of her life as she’s known it, allowing drugs to go in her that only HAZMAT can clean up, losing  her hair and a huge part of her identity, watch her family fray and feel responsible, have the puffy steroid sick look when the eye brows and lashes went, surrender months of her life to sickness, face the temporary, yet long-term, loss of her clients/friends, career and needed income, miss her girlfriends and family fun.  She has come through each piece, some really ugly pieces, some not so ugly, some beautiful, some empowering and enlightening.  She said last Friday,”It feels like I have been pushing this giant boulder up a huge mountain and I am almost at the top.”  It made sense.  Pushing uphill can be exhausting and it's steepest at the top. I knew Kara was digging deep, mustering everything to heave that boulder over the top and down the other side.  I watched as my girl gathered every bit of everything to face yesterday.  I am in awe of the countless men, women and children who have endured cancer.  I am in awe of my daughter! My warrior.

I wanted her to have a bit of comfort and reassurance (okay I am not going to lie- I wanted her to be enveloped in love and support, and even reached out to Ellen and Kris Carr).  Searching for something that would fill up the empty places.  She’s already given so much, now this.  You see, it isn't this step being the hardest, although giving up boobs is a pretty big deal, it's giving up more on top of EVERYTHING else.   

FYI -an updated version has been requested, since there are so many more! - thank you Leah Addair. A Special thank you Debbie Noble-Houser for giving me KARASTRONG when I so needed.

Not only was she enveloped, she is overwhelmed with love and completely blown away, we all are.  Thank you!  Your acts of kindness created and shifted the atmosphere.  Although Kara has a long road ahead, is in quite a bit of pain (they went deep - even on her underarms), will have an emotional component to work through.....My warrior saw an army rise and stand with and for her, and they are still showing up, helping her get that boulder over the mountain.  Shit I think the boulder is on another continent now!  As Kara's mom, I THANK EACH ONE OF YOU!  You did good!!!  KARA STRONG!

 

Ta-Ta, Ta-Ta's

Silence.  Utter and complete silence.  I had given myself until after Thanksgiving to get there.  For weeks I have been trying to drown out all of the outside noise.  Clearing my mind of all the clutter that I usually cycle on.  For now, a bilateral mastectomy is about all that I can handle, nothing else gets my attention.  Not now.  When I wake up from surgery on Tuesday, all of those things will still be there for me to figure out.  Right now, I get/need/have to wrap my head around losing my breasts.  I don't know how I am going to get there, how I could ever possibly be okay with this.  But, I cannot walk into that hospital on Tuesday unless I am.  Can I visualize myself without breasts?  Will I feel sexy?  How will my clothes fit?  Will my stomach look so much fatter without them?  Will I be in pain?  Will I wake up from surgery?  Will I get an infection?  Will I be able to pick up my daughter?  Will I develop lymphedemea?  Is this ever going to end?  Nothing matters more then getting myself through this.

The farthest I have gotten is to clear out all my bras.  It's a little weird, I have no idea what to do with them.  I will never need them again yet I am unable to part with them.  It's like the useless baggies filled with my hair, I'll be dammed if I give away things that I feel so entitled to.  My bra drawer is now filled with surgical garments, bras that come with drain holders, puffs to add some boobage, and tank tops that look awfully close to Jesus jammies.  I will wear these until next summer when I begin reconstruction.  So, what does a girl do?  Have a bra funeral?  Donate them to goodwill?  Burn them?  Give them to a girlfriend?  I don't know, but I trust myself enough to know that I will know exactly where they belong when I am ready.

Now for a a little good news.  I have had about 7 appointments a week lately, most of last weeks were all related to my impending surgery.  One of them included an ultrasound of my left breast and lymph nodes.  Before treatment, I had 2 tumors, one the size of a golf ball in my left breast and another smaller one in my left armpit lymph node.  They grade tumors by the severity and aggressiveness of them and mine were the highest and worst grade possible.  My cells were dividing rapidly and the tumor's were growing measurably everyday.  Needless to say, I was nervous about how my tumors were doing.  Did the chemo do anything?  Was it worth it?  I am happy to report the answer is overwhelmingly YES.  They called two doctors in to confirm that my tumors were gone.  GONE.  It worked.  I responded to treatment as well as I could have.  Now, this doesn't change anything.  I still have stage 3 cancer, I still have to have both my breast chopped off, and I still have to finish chemo.  What it does mean is that I am heading the direction I should be, I am going to be okay.  Besides, there is no other option, right?

Next time you hear from me, I'll be boobless.  So I am paying tribute to my breasts.  Whom for the past 17 years I have lovingly referred to as Mary-Kate and Ashley.  Thank you girls, for feeding my babies, giving me confidence, coming in before all my other friends, and making me a very popular 8th grader.  It was a good run and we've had a lots of fun.

P.S I am going to have my mom post to my blog on Wednesday.  I will still be in the hospital (and hopefully high as a kite) so I have asked her update you all on how fabulously well I am doing. 

10 little wishes

In next weeks blog, I plan on paying tribute to my breasts.  I have less then 2 weeks left with them.  Part of me secretly hopes if I just ignore it, it'll go away.  So if it's all right with you, for one more sweet sweet week, I am going to pretend my breasts are staying.  I am seriously scared, mostly of not waking up.  As silly as that may be, it's real.  Today's post is probably going to bore the pants off of you, but it's whats real and on my heart so bare with me.  Next week will be filled with boob shots and crazy irrational rants...scouts honor!

A few years ago, I bought both of my kids the collectors addition of the book "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss.  I write in both of their books often.  So far, just a few grandmas, papas, and teachers have written in it, but I hope by the time I give it to them that it will be chalk full of words of wisdom from people they loved along the way.  I have no clue when I will give it to them; High School Graduation, College Graduation, Wedding day, Birth of their first child.  I trust that I will just know.  Today, motivated by the fear of my impending surgery, I wrote these 10 wishes and stuck it into each of their books.

To Ayden & Zoie, Fox & Jax, Munchkin Man & Chicken Butt

1.  Always remember how lucky you are to be born who you are.  There is only one of you that will ever exist in all of time.  Being anything other then completely authentic to yourself is robbing the world from having something completely unique.  It's always harder to be different, to stand up for whats right, to not blend it, and to follow your heart.  But if you listen to your gut, it won't ever let you down.  You shouldn't ever have to perform, not for anyone, so don't.  You are exactly who you're supposed to be.

2.  Pick people in life who look through you, not at you.  Beauty will fade, sometimes faster then you expect.  The right people won't even bat an eye.  You, my sweet babies are equip to love this way.  I know this because of the way you love me.  When it comes to people- quality always trumps quantity.  Choose friends wisely and surround yourself with those that lift you up.

 3.  Love hard.  To the tips of your toes. Be there for each other, siblings are one of the greatest gifts life has to offer.    You are part of an amazing, crazy, quirky, and unique family that loved you before you even existed.  Be grateful for them.  They love you for exactly who you are.

 4.  Be joyful.   No matter what it takes, I insist that you be happy.  It's a choice and although a difficult one at times, it is always the right choice.  When people are angry it is always because they are hurting.  Understanding this will save you lots of frustration and heartache. Get silly, laugh until it hurts.  Be contagous.  There is joy in everything, you just have to find it.

  5.  Tell the truth.  Value honesty.  The very thought you are having this moment is manifesting in your life right now.  Your thoughts become words,  your words become actions, and your actions create the world around you.  Picking honest thoughts, words, and actions will create such a beautiful world.  The rewards of honesty are always going to be more satisfying.

 6.  Screw up.  Screw up royally, because there is no better way to grow.  Some of our biggest accomplishments follow our major mistakes.   

7.  Sleep on it.  I wish I had learned much earlier the importance of responding, not reacting.  Nothing done in anger is ever productive.  It isn't time that heals wounds, but rather what you do during that time.  Don't be afraid to say what you think and believe, scream it from the roof tops.  Just don't do it in anger.

8.  Be kind.  Be kind when it's easy but more importantly, be kind when it isn't easy.  If you care about somebody, validate them. We are all made of the same stardust, believing this makes it so easy to love others just as you love yourself.

9.  Give.  Give big, give small.  Give when you can and give when you can't.  Hide dollar bills at the dollar store, fill candy machines with quarters, pay for the person behind you at Starbucks, and always keep one $5 target gift card on you just in case.  There is nothing you could buy for yourself that will bring you more joy then a tiny random act of kindness.  No matter how caught up you get with life, remember how happy doing these things made you.  Breed positivity, everyday.

10.  Be unrealistic.  Dream huge.  Believe what speaks true to you.  Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not following along.  Be a forward thinker, explore the world, explore your options, live out of the box.  There is no wrong answer here.  Only ideas.  People will always be passionate about their beliefs.  Respect theirs but be just as passionate about yours.  Educate yourself, study, be open, flexible, but stand your ground.  You have just as good a shot at anything as anyone else, better in fact.  Because you are you.  A completely perfect, original, masterpiece.  Kid you'll move mountains.