My Marriage has Cancer.

I am not an easy person to be married to.  I'm difficult on a good day.  Add cancer to the mix and its a complete catastrophe.  I do that thing that most women are guilty of: Where I fantasize about what I want my husband to do, never communicate it to him and then get pissed when he doesn't do it.  In this case, I visualized Adam lifting me into his big arms and carrying me through this entire journey.  Protecting me and guiding me through.  Plowing through hurdles, lifting me up when I couldn't stand, wiping my tears and spinning me around in fields of daisy's.  Sounds perfect, doesn't it?  Just one problem, that didn't happen.  Sometimes he did exactly what I needed, sometimes he gave me pieces of what I needed, sometimes he did everything wrong, and sometimes he didn't do anything at all.  He is so overworked, he shoulders so much stress, and he doesn't know how to process it all.  At times, the ways he has chosen to cope have been hurtful to me.  Deal breakers.  The way that I have chosen to cope has, at times, been hurtful to him, and others for that matter.  It's a tough spot.  We are 29!  We have no freaking idea how to do this.  We have been together for 12 years and this last one has by far been our worst.  We fought harder then we have ever fought.  We crossed lines, boundaries, and lashed out in some the worst ways possible.  We are both already on the edge, it only takes the slightest nudge and we are at each others throats.  We've been mean, we've been stupid, and we have been unforgivably cruel to each other.  Because we are angry.  We are both so fucking angry.

teenagers

Feb 18th 2003.  Ayden Fox Ford was born.  We've all grown up together.

Our wedding.

2011

I have learned through this to curb my judgment when it comes to how people grieve and cope with my cancer.  Just because I need a certain level or manner of support doesn't always mean that person is capable of providing it.  I realized early on that each one of my people were handed their own personal bag of shit.  Adam was perhaps handed the biggest shit bag of all.  If there is one thing that I know for sure, it's that my husband loves me.  Cancer rocked my marriage and cancer almost ended it.  It's not always the way it looks in the movies.  People don't always do the right thing or know the perfect thing to say.  For somebody who likes things to be perfect, to feel perfect, and to look perfect it has been a difficult lesson to learn.  My husband loves me, he really does.  This is so much more then he bargained for and I know he would swing me around in fields of daisy's if he knew how.  Its honest, it's real, it's messy, and that's okay.  Because the beautiful part is-  I have never loved anyone else.  It's always been him.

Our anniversary was yesterday, the 23rd.  My brother drove me up to Stonebridge Manor, the place where Adam and I were married 8 years ago.  Waiting for me on one knee was my husband.  Tucked into our son's pocket was a dainty rose gold band that he handed to his dad.  Adam asked me to marry him again and then walked me to the same alter where we had once said "I Do".  Zoie sprinkled a basket full of rose petals down the isle before us.  This time it was my husband that walked me down the isle, our parents and siblings standing with us.  Adam read me beautifully humble vows that he had written and then my father-in-law, ordained by the world wide web, re-married us.  It was beautiful and thoughtful and planned completely by Adam.  It's not daisy's but I'll take it.  I know that I am going to survive cancer and hope that my marriage will be a cancer survivor too.  I am ready and eager to start a different and more evolved relationship with the man that was too shy to kiss me 12 years ago.

A fresh start.