This sucks.

 I am leaving hair everywhere.  It's there on my pillow now, its all over the place.  I watch my family sweetly pretend not to see it when it gets on their clothes and tangled into their fingers .  It probably seems to some people like I am torturing myself by watching and documenting the hair loss.  Why watch all my locks slowly fall out?  Wouldn't it just be easier to shave it all off?  Maybe.  But its mine.  It's my hair and it's my cancer and I am not ready to say goodbye to it yet.  If I want to comb it until there is one hair left then isn't that my prerogative?  Here is the really weird part, I want to keep it....I want to keep my hair in little baggies.  Okay, I'm not going to....but I want to.  I know that I am crossing into some serious Howard Hughes territory here but I promised to be honest!  I can see why women shave their heads before it starts to go, I can see how to them it feels like they are maintaining control but to me, right now, shaving my head feels like giving in.  I'm not ready to be bald, not yet, not this week.  But the showers are hard and brushing my hair sucks, it feels like cancer is slapping me in the face each time, taunting me with every stroke.

It's taking a huge tole on my attitude.  I am realizing how much of my identity and personality is tied into my looks.  It isn't even about how other people perceive me but about how good I feel when I think I look good.  I walk lighter, smile brighter, and want to make other people feel good too.  The medicine really kicked my butt this week, I had constant headaches, severe bone and nerve pain, nausea, and the list goes on.  You're not yourself when you're feeling sick and who wants to be around people when their feeling like death warmed up.  Also, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not be able to work during this round of chemo, as hard as I tried to push through it and as much as my family needs the income I am just not able.  So I've lost my smile, my attitude sucks, and while my hair falls out I am going to let myself have a little pity party.  Cause it does suck, it really, really sucks.