The TRUTH.

It appears as though proper protocol after a cancer diagnosis is to create a blog.  Here it is folks, everything I never wanted to talk about or think about for that matter is now laid before you.  I'm completely exposed.  I knew I couldn't do this unless I was completely real, 100% honest about how this feels.  First let me say that I am aware that there is no right thing to say to somebody who has been diagnosed with cancer and even if there was a right thing to say I would have inevitably taken it the wrong way.

When I was first diagnosed I searched feverishly for somebody like me.  I needed to relate on a level of realness, I had been humbled to the core and wanted somebody to just say how bad this sucks.  I found amazing stories of  brave women who laughed in the face of cancer, these women were incredibly inspiring yet they brought me no comfort.  There are these words associated with breast cancer, words like "survivor", "fighter", "warrior"....these words pissed me off.  I didn't feel strong, I felt like shit.  I cried until I had no more tears and screamed at the top of lungs until my ears were ringing.  I was horribly mean to the people who love me.  I knew I was going to die, I could feel it in my bones.  Every time I went to the doctor the news got worse, my cancer is bad and I can't get anybody to tell me if I get to see my 3 year old go to kindergarten.  I was pissed that my husband got to be healthy, how come he gets to watch our children grow up?  I have so many things I want to do still, I'm not even 30!  No more fluff, this cancer stuff blows and there is nothing I'd rather do less.  I'm so scared, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to lose my boobs, I don't want my eyelashes and eyebrows to fall out, I don't want to sit for 5 hours every Wednesday hooked up to a machine and have poison pumped through my body.  I just don't wanna.  But I do want to see my three year old go to kindergarten and I do want to see how insanely handsome of a man my son will be and I want to do all of it alongside my healthy husband.  Not because I am a survivor, fighter, or a warrior, but because I am too scared to die.  And that is okay, not everybody is equip at 29 to go through this gracefully, I for one am not. 

I am going to update this blog every Wednesday while I am plugged into the Matrix(a.k.a. CHEMO)and share every juicy detail of my journey.  So if you want to watch my hair fall out and like listening to me complain then follow me.