Thankful

I wonder if by this time next week I will be bald, it is coming out faster everyday.  I shot this video today before chemo.  The hair falling out adds another element.  I have known it was coming and although I think and talk about it almost obsessively, having it actually beginning is making things a little too real.  So far I am holding it together but I think that is only because I still look normal, I want to look normal for as long as possible.  More for my son then anything else, I think it will be hard for him to see me not look like his mom.  He has been so sweet and almost parental in the way that he checks on me and nurtures me, it makes me insanely proud of the man that I am raising.  He's starting at a new school and I hate that I can't be the involved classroom mom that I am used to being.  I hate that I have to meet his teacher in this condition.  I don't want him to hear about his friends' grandparents that died from cancer, I don't want him to associate cancer with death.  I have been straight forward and honest with him about everything but I make sure that he knows emphatically that I am NOT dying.  Because I'm not, I can't.

This week was rough, my cancer is causing my family to go into survival mode.  A wise man, my daddy, said that "Change comes through conflict".  My world has changed and its made everybody around me shift too.  It isn't just me being impacted by my cancer, everyone I love has been handed their own bag of shit too.  There are so many people around me effected and having to alter their world to fit into mine.  I am completely amazed by my people, they are standing strong behind me from near and far.  My family, friends, clients, and even complete strangers have made sure that I know I am not doing this alone.  If you ever wanted to know how people really feel about you, just get cancer!  Not only do you find out that what matters but you also find out who matters.  It's profoundly humbling. 

I have been on my own since I was 17 and I take pride in taking care of myself and my family.  Now, I need help and I hate that I need help.  When somebody does something nice for you, you automatically want to reciprocate and right now I can't give back all that I am receiving.  I'm in awe of the generosity, kindness, and selflessness that people are offering.  I am learning to accept it without resistance, I am trying to see the beauty in their giving.  I know that I will be able to give back someday when the time is right but for now all I can do is say thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you.  To my family who has dropped everything to fix me, my friends that make me laugh, and my clients for staying with me.  Thank you to every person who has given me words of kindness...thank you for altering your worlds...thank you for forcing your way in when my walls were up...for letting me be angry and loving me anyways...for being patient and giving me space...and for giving me the strength to do this.  I am thankful.