New Girl

The person who has been staring back at me in the mirror for the last 29 years of my life is gone.  There is a new girl who looks at me now.  She's not as pretty, she's puffy and balding, and she looks terribly sad.  Have you ever gotten a new haircut and then caught your reflection on accident and had to do a double take?  I don't want to get used to this reflection, I don't want this girl staring back at me for very much longer.  There are stages of acceptance that I am trying to adjust to and I am finding that I need to do so privately before I can share things publicly.  I have so many people that have wanted to come see me, to support me, love me...and I just can't.  I can't let them into a place that I haven't had a chance to sort out.  I can barely carry a conversation most days of the week and the last thing I want is to be around somebody watching them being themselves and be unable to find myself.  It's embarrassing.  There is no hiding from this, I cannot gloss over the ugly parts like I so desperately want to.  I cannot have my friends and family come over and pretend that I am okay, I am not okay.  But I can take all the time that I need to adjust, privately.  Right now, today, what I need is to be alone.  I need to curl up into a ball and mourn the loss of the girl who used to stare back at me.  I miss her terribly.