Wigging out

Adam and I at Kid Rock

Last Wednesday after chemo I summoned all my strength and surprised my family by joining them at the Kid Rock concert.  I took my new wig out for a spin around town, wearing it for the first time ever to the concert.  It looked pretty good but it didn't stay on for very long. The concert was outside, miserably hot, and we were all drenched in sweat.  About an hour in, I got too over heated and wound up having to take the wig off revealing a balding, sweaty, slicked back mess.  I  felt  completely exposed and super self conscious.  Thankfully, my family had the most perfect ways of easing my anxiety.  My father in law would reach across my husbands back and give me reassuring squeezes on the shoulder.  My mom kept telling me how happy and proud she was that I had made it there.  My brother Tyler would sit down with me every single time that I needed to, never commenting on it but instead dancing with me in our seats and making me laugh until it hurt.  And my husband was giving me sweet little kisses on the baldest spot of my head.  This girl felt very loved that night.
 
As I sit here and write this there is a young man who just sat next to me, he is getting ready to have his first chemo infusion.  My nurse tells me that he is 19.  By now I can spot the newbies from a mile away.  There is a "dear in the headlights" look that I see all too often around this place.  I can't help but remember how just a few short months ago that was me.  I am now a regular, I know all the nurses names and have won them over with bagels and doughnuts.  My heart aches for him and his family because I know how sick he is going to be over the next couple days and I know how ugly all of this really is.  How can I tell him that it feels like the worst tequila hangover hes ever had when he isn't even old enough to drink?  He's handsome and looks like a good kid.  Dammit, I am so angry with cancer. 

A couple days after diagnosis the universe sent me a gift.  Her name is Hillary.  I had never posted on a forum but out of pure desperation I posted looking for somebody my age that had kids and a similar diagnosis..  In one hour I had Hillary.  She is a bad ass attorney from Goodyear, Az who was diagnosed with the exact same type of cancer on the exact same day as me.  Talk about fate.  We have since become fast friends, talking on the phone for hours and sharing stories about our treatment.  I am so glad I have her, I couldn't make it through this without somebody who gets it.  I have a full blown cancer crush on this chick.  She has been very private about her treatment which I completely respect but since she recently came out of the cancer closet I wanted to let her know how much I appreciate her.  Hillary, thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself, being my sounding board and for helping me maintain my sanity.  I love you!   

Hillary and I

    

P.S.  I want to thank everybody who came out, played, stopped by and helped out at the poker night last weekend, it sure sounds like it was a good time.  Thank you for keeping my family above water, this long road would swallow us without your support.

Lastly, I want to thank my mom who hasn't come up for air since May 1st.  I hope you are able to breathe this week, aloha!