New Haircut!

I chopped it off.  In a fit of raw emotion I grabbed the shears and chopped it off.  I couldn't comb through it one more time and watch gobs of it pile into the trash.  So I gathered it into a ponytail, took a deep breath, and sliced through it in 2 snips.  And then I immediately started to panic.  I just kept crying "oh shit what did I do, oh shit I can see my scalp, oh shit I wasn't ready to do that...oh shit."  My husband was watching in horror as I fell into a thousand pieces.  His eyes got big and he begged me to stop and to let him hold me.  But I didn't want to be held and couldn't leave my reflection.  I was shocked that I had let myself lose control so completely and I wasn't finished being pissed about it.  My long hair is gone so I put my botched hair into a tiny, messy, ponytail and pouted for a couple days and then called my friend Jen to see if she could turn it into a style.   She offered to come right away and she did manage to make it into a cute little do. (Thank you Jen, for everything)

My insurance is refusing to pay for psychological care.  I feel as though mental health should be a part of my treatment.  I am dealing with all of these scary thoughts and emotions on my own.  I have very few people in my life who are able to relate and I am drowning slowly in my own anger.  I have this idealistic, and probably unrealistic, idea that seeing a professional will make all of these feelings stop.  I'd do anything to make them stop.  I can't help but wonder what kind of person this is shaping me to be and I can't help but think this person will be a total train wreak.  My doctor told me today I won't ever get odds like other patients.  I'll never know if I am really better.  My tumor is getting smaller and I seem to be responding well to chemo but the only way to know if I am cured is to live a long and healthy life.  I am going to deal with this illness for the rest of my existence whether it comes back or not.   I am never going to feel safe again.

But I still have a little hair!  And here it is folks....

The scarf helps hide the bald spots.

Photo sesh/chemo sesh

without the scarf

holy baldness...