Silver lining?

Oh.  My.  God.  I have never been so sick in my whole life.  After 14 chemo infusions in 14 weeks my body cried uncle and I wound up taking a trip to the hospital.  I literally thought I was dying.    Turns out I wasn't and that the shivering and sweating through everything is nothing more then "chemo sweats".  Have you ever seen a movie where somebody comes off of heroin?  That's pretty much what it looked like.  I lost 8 pounds in 6 days and I am still not able to eat a thing.  So maybe a future flat tummy is the silver lining here?  Come on universe, throw me a bone.

My newly bald head surprisingly gains a lot of attention while out in public.  I have had all sorts of different responses and reactions that I was not prepared for.  Through this I cant help but think about all the people who don't blend in.  Who never did.  I can only assume that every person out there wants exactly what I do.  To feel like I belong to this world, to be validated.  I have always blended in just fine.  If I stand out its usually because I want to.  When somebody stares at me I am usually flattered.  I think, "I must look good today...eat your heart out!"  Okay, maybe not that last part but you get the idea. But now, when people stare I know exactly what they are looking at.   Slightly wider eyes take in my obvious illness and then quickly look away.  They don't want to think about it, it's too uncomfortable.  Does it make their oh shit meter go off?  Confront them with their own mortality?  Thankfully, not everyone reacts this way.  Some peoples eyes don't quickly dart away from mine but instead soft eyes smile sweetly at me, knowingly.  As if they see the normal girl beneath it all.  Those people are my favorite.  At the end of this I get to look normal again, I get to once again choose when I want to be looked at.  I never put a lot of thought into what it must be like to not have the choice.  To stand out no matter what you do, to be different forever.  Now, those are the people that I think about when I walk through a store with my bald head out and proud.  I can do this.  Besides, who wants to blend in anyways?