Driving the buss.

Between now and the 20th of November I have 15 doctors appointments, all of which will consume the majority of my day.  It's almost easier to list the days that I don't have appointments.  This has been my life, a never ending stream of appointments.  Because of this I had find to some form of childcare for my 3 year old.  It's simply not fair to expect my mom to drive an hour each way every time I have an appointment, even though she happily has and would.  I've had to enroll my Zoie girl into Preschool.  Not only am I adding another expense to our shrinking budget but I honestly am just not ready for her to be in school.  Things like this make me feel as though I've lost control over everything, that part still hasn't gotten any easier.  Insurance should cover childcare for cancer moms!

My last Red Devil infusion was supposed to be today.  Unfortunately, my white blood cell count is too low.  Very low actually.  My body is crying UNCLE after 6 months of nonstop poisoning.  Who can blame her?  It's having a domino effect on my treatment plan, pushing surgery dates into December, radiation into the new year, and reconstruction well into the summer of 2014.  The good news is, I feel great!  I get a whole 'nother week to feel fantastic.  This means I get to take my kids Trick or Treating, I get to go to my neighborhood trunk-or-treat party, and I'll have the energy to make goodies for Ayden's classroom.  Chemo isn't over but it's okay, I am getting to be a normal mom instead.  So worth it.

After weeks of pushing, fighting, and never giving up, my insurance finally agreed to cover my genetic testing!  I may be able to unveil the reason for my cancer.  Woo hoo!!!  Shoes used to make me happy, now it's genetic testing...my how the times have changed.  I keep reminding myself that "I am driving this bus!"  I have surrendered so much of my life over to fate that it is now vastly important for me to remain in control of anything I can.  Its easy for boundaries to be broken and control to be surrendered when you are in a place of desperation.  Keeping my life as "pre-cancer" as possible has been vital for my well being.  There are plenty of changes that cancer has make that I gladly welcome, just as long as I am the one choosing the changes.  And that's just it, I want it to be a choice.  I hate having to give over parts of my life that are so completely mine.  Thus, my need to drive the bus.

Next week I am having a little chemo party.  I am getting my last Red Devil on the 1st of November and I am sharing it with my mom, brother, and a bottle of Patron.  Red Devil is over but I will continue another type of chemo for 6 more months, this chemo is a much milder drug.  After my last Red Devil on the 1st my hair will begin to grow back and I will no longer have to take loads of bloating steroids.  It's still a long road ahead but the first hurdle is about to be jumped.